"In the world which is upside down, the true is a moment of the false."
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| rock and roll means fuck "In the world which is upside down, the true is a moment of the false." |
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Tuesday, November 19, 2002 ok. fuck me. this is my first day ever in the land of blog. i tell myself that i will edit, i will excerise restraint, i will not make this a. a hatchet job on anyone. b. a bleeding heart commentary on my current state as regards the aforementioned girl. c. so specific as to mention her any more than possible. well, that shit is out the damned window as of right ... ...now. "but, it's my first day." this is my first day. really. and all the idealism i had embraced at noon or so is now gone. fuck. fuck. fuck. here goes. are you ready, this one may take awhile. first, let me start with some background: i moved to this shithole (so-cal) from nyc where i went to grad school. i really loved nyc. i felt at home the moment i stepped off a train at penn station. i really did. i felt right at home. i was there to do a master's program in film. my undergrad degree was in literature from the u of texas and i spent years saving the money, making the contacts, writing the screenplays, doing the gruntwork to make this happen. i went to the new school university in the east village. it's a wonderful program. lovely people, good learnin'. i learned so much about film production and who i am and who i want to be. the city also taught me so much about myself. it taught me about my limits. it taught me about tolerance. it taught me about history, about what endures. "new york city is forever, kitty" as my beloved sonic youth once said. so, anyway, i trudge along and study and shoot and edit and screen and get more and more comfortable in this city that i felt more than at home in when i arrived than i ever really did in my own shitty, small, southern hometown. then i meet this girl. online. not the aforementioned, who i will now refer to as c. no, i met this woman, a teacher, whom i will now refer to as r. i was smitten. really. i had lost my father a few weeks previous and was, though i didn't know so at the time, was about to bury my grandfather as well, in a matter of months. and though my dad was somewhat of a nutcase(says the chip off the proverbial block) and we had more than our share of disagreements, usually over politics or some other truly stoopid-ass thing, i loved him dearly. he was my dad, for cryin' out loud. he was nuts but in some of the better ways, but he was never less than absolutely authentic. he was a real freak. he was real. i miss him dearly. so then i meet r. and she was a whirlwind. i had lived in nyc for a year and a half and had dated precisely twice. i just had other interests at the time. i was lonely as hell yet, satisfied in a "i am so tired and tired for all the right reasons" sorta way. so, to move this piece of shit along, then began this exteremely intense e-mail and phone realtionship. every day. all day. i was so fucked up emotionally that my critical thinking skills were absolutely absent. she was scared of new york. she remembered this charles bronson film (i swear to god, i am not making this up) where a woman gets mugged and, in lieu of just taking the unfortunate woman's ring, they chop her finger off. this is what scared her, or was the basis for getting me to make the first move. i did. i moved to ventura, ca for love. i felt that it was the right thing to do. it was a nightmare. this place is so awful in so many ways. i was pretty well established in nyc. i made good money, i had wonderful friends (i have them here as well, i shouldn't forget that) i had a pretty ok pad. things were ok. moving things along, it was a 6 month disaster. she was completely insane,. i mean of the "please kill me!" variety. she also completely destroyed a family trip to the uk. it was terrible. then, after everything, she calls me one day, out of the blue, to tell me that she had been sleeping with all my friends during our relationship. i don't even know whether or not i believe her, i just know she's a mean and vindictive and horrible person. how i fell in love with her is an absolute mystery. the rest in a bit. posted by downtown | 11:47 PM |
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Cost of the War in Iraq
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