"In the world which is upside down, the true is a moment of the false."
|
|
| rock and roll means fuck "In the world which is upside down, the true is a moment of the false." |
|
|
Saturday, December 21, 2002 oh, lord. it's a cloudy/gloomy day in so-cal. we don't have many of these here. i miss them actually. here i am at 1pm drinking guinness and listening to elliot smith and, for some reason, trying to fine tune this sad-ass blog. and i've been thinking.... .... the current cycle of suck that i have been subjected to (or subjected myself to, you can be the judge. the determination is entirely subjective) can be traced to an evening almost exactly one year ago ( a year ago thursday, to be exact). It's not a pretty story and much of it i have already told in earlier posts. so, i'll cut to the chase. r, who i moved to this god-forsaken place for, and i were to go to the uk and ireland for christmas last year. it was going to be a chance for my family to meet the woman that i had left nyc for and that they really knew nothing about. by this time i already knew that the relationship had many, many problems (mainly the fact that r was completely and irretrievably in-fucking-sane), but i, being the person that i am, felt that not only could i not leave her, but that getting the girl out of her goddamned apartment and showing her something of the world might be exactly what she needed. furthermore, all "please kill me!" episodes aside, i did, in a strange, almost paternalistic way, love her. i really wanted to be there and to help and i felt that this was a way that i could do so. yadda yadda yadda. moving along, i was set to leave and meet my family on the 19th. r was a teacher and had something on the 21st called a "positive attendance day", a day that one must absolutely be present. so, i was to leave on the 19th and i was to come from chichester (my grandfather's hometown where we were to spend christmas day) to london on the 23rd to meet her at gatwick and take her by train to meet the eager family. tickets bought, her passport secured. ready, set, go. anyway, on the afternoon of the 18th i pack. i get all my things in order. i give her maps and phone #'s. nothing seems to be out of the super-ordinary. nothing. i shower. i get dressed. i gather my things. i go to to kiss her goodbye and tell her that i will see her in a few days. she comes out to meet me as i am literally heading for the door (my shuttle is outside) with tears in her eyes. r: "i'm not going to england with you." me: "what are you talking about?" r: "i don't love you anymore." me: "....?" r: "i'm in love with my ex. sorry." me: "are you fucking high?" r: "i'm not going." me:"......?" (door shuts) so, then i got to cry myself across the continent and across an ocean. i spent the next couple of days pleading with her on the phone and via e-mail to just get on the damned plane. "I don't care if you hate me. please don't do this to my family." "i can't. i don't want to jeopardize what i might have with my ex." "...." so, then on the morning i was to go retrieve her from london, i have to explain to my family that she's not coming, she doesn't love me anymore. i could try to explain the emotional resonance of this trip, a pilgrimage really, for my family, but i won't. i have neither the time nor the will, save to say that it was great and very, very dear. what's left of my family now lives in the uk and i am going to visit them a week from today. up untill about 6 weeks ago, i had planned on taking this trip with the current apple of my eye. it was to be more than glorious, beyond vindication as it was with to be with someone (c) that a: wasn't completely fucking nuts and b: i am so far past being insanely in love with. I will be travelling alone. c at least gave me a few weeks lead time to tell my family about my sudden single status (we were actually supposed to go for thanksgiving) and didn't hit me with it as i am literally walking out the door. but, as i said, she ain't certifiable and i would expect nothing less from her. however, as i think about the past year, i see a definite downward trend in my emotional health (with some absolutely glorious exceptions. really) from that moment 367 days ago. they say the holidays are always hard for some people. i just hope that they aren't that way permanently for me. i really don't. i hope one day they can be good and fun for me again. i really do. listening: elliot smith "ballad of big nothing" drinking: too bloody much feeling: much like the weather; gray, stormy and cold. posted by downtown | 5:01 PM |
|
Cost of the War in Iraq
(JavaScript Error)
 This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License. |
|
|
|
|
 |
||||
|
|||||
